Just the post that I needed this week. Started a new job and had been feeling like an imposter the entire week. As a mom of 4 year old this line makes so much sense. “Women feel they are not good enough to do something, because deep down inside, they may feel that they’re not supposed to do that thing.”. Thank you for sharing. Hoping to be more confident in coming future.
“The thought that the term ‘imposter’ becomes meaningless in a world without the gaze of others…” This is really such a wonderful line. It shone the light on the fact that, most of us (or maybe all of us) define ourselves only in relation to others. This may not be a revelation for most, but it just hit me hard. Who am I, if I take all the other players out? Like the mountain that survived, like playing to play and writing to write, I would just be. A lot like living in the now.
I have felt this again and again when I heard female guests on your show.
I think representation makes a lot of difference. For instance, if I enter a room full of men, undoubtedly, I'll question my presence there even if I have been invited.
I have said self-deprecating things in your presence (both on and off air) so many times that it was hard for me to not take this post personally! Thank God for my imposter syndrome which scoffed and reminded me to not harbour delusions of being this important :)
In the West, coloured women often say that they wish God would grant them the confidence of a "mediocre white man". In India, that might loosely translate to a "below average raja beta", but still holds true!
A lovely read. Some nuances: 1. the way this all works your take (the elite man) is never truly considered the imposter take; 2. the “confidence” that men appear to show is generally a ruse, and we know this because of how often men are violent to themselves and others; 3. it is often women who hurl imposter vibes at other women. As your piece says, very few of us end up in those rooms filled with men. The battles women wage against one another are virulent, dangerous, and often unseen, ignored, or in other ways encouraged by men who soak in the (usually) unearned invitations to the center, such as positive attention, trust, respect, welcome.
This is such a well written piece and resonates so much personally. Most of the lines really struck a chord. I think this is just how most women are feeling, like they're not good enough, or they haven't done enough. And it is true that this confidence comes so so naturally to most men.
Recently, I was speaking to a friend and she expressed similar doubts about herself. And in that long conversation, we discussed how both us felt a certain way, that we don't deserve to be here in this part of our life. It is unfortunate. I mean is rectifying this kind of dilemma or a state of being easy? I feel like it is a lifetime process.
Thank you for this post ! You have hit a raw nerve with the “this is not supposed to be done” observation. Confident expressive women are very often frowned down on and for that very reason.
"Women may feel they are not good enough to do something, because deep down inside, they may feel that they're not supposed to do that thing. Underlying the sense that they're imposters could be the unarticulated feeling that they're intruders." I have felt this and yes I have never been able to articulate it in this way.
Loved this piece; it resonated so much. Even after all these years I am constantly asking myself if I have done enough, if I have done enough to deserve the appreciation I get, if I'm being unnecessarily flattered when someone says they admire my work, if they are really talking about my being "nice" rather than being "good".
Every man is like Of course I deserve to be here, haha, let me give you some gyan. (This is not strictly true, as a selection effect kicks in: I only invite the kind of man who is likely to be humble.
Oh so this is why you have been avoiding calling me to the show inspite of me sending you so many feelers from strangers and from known people. I am an authority on (insert any subject) and believe me you will love my half baked, ill informed views delivered in a voice that can be described as ‘steel spoon rubbing on a dirty glass’.
Note that the term is becoming viral and much like other terms that romanticizes victimhood, it has some benefits, but a whole lot of disadvantages. The sooner we end-of-life this term, the better.
Amit I can tell you this is rampant amongst men too. I am an executive coach and I work with a lot of fairly senior people in organisations and i see a lot of this there too. My hypothesis is that this comes from the way we’re brought up. We’re always put down as a way of making us better, so when we achieve something we can’t make ourselves believe that we’re actually good enough or deserving enough for it.
Just the post that I needed this week. Started a new job and had been feeling like an imposter the entire week. As a mom of 4 year old this line makes so much sense. “Women feel they are not good enough to do something, because deep down inside, they may feel that they’re not supposed to do that thing.”. Thank you for sharing. Hoping to be more confident in coming future.
“The thought that the term ‘imposter’ becomes meaningless in a world without the gaze of others…” This is really such a wonderful line. It shone the light on the fact that, most of us (or maybe all of us) define ourselves only in relation to others. This may not be a revelation for most, but it just hit me hard. Who am I, if I take all the other players out? Like the mountain that survived, like playing to play and writing to write, I would just be. A lot like living in the now.
Lovely article, Amit.
I have felt this again and again when I heard female guests on your show.
I think representation makes a lot of difference. For instance, if I enter a room full of men, undoubtedly, I'll question my presence there even if I have been invited.
I have said self-deprecating things in your presence (both on and off air) so many times that it was hard for me to not take this post personally! Thank God for my imposter syndrome which scoffed and reminded me to not harbour delusions of being this important :)
In the West, coloured women often say that they wish God would grant them the confidence of a "mediocre white man". In India, that might loosely translate to a "below average raja beta", but still holds true!
A lovely read. Some nuances: 1. the way this all works your take (the elite man) is never truly considered the imposter take; 2. the “confidence” that men appear to show is generally a ruse, and we know this because of how often men are violent to themselves and others; 3. it is often women who hurl imposter vibes at other women. As your piece says, very few of us end up in those rooms filled with men. The battles women wage against one another are virulent, dangerous, and often unseen, ignored, or in other ways encouraged by men who soak in the (usually) unearned invitations to the center, such as positive attention, trust, respect, welcome.
This is such a well written piece and resonates so much personally. Most of the lines really struck a chord. I think this is just how most women are feeling, like they're not good enough, or they haven't done enough. And it is true that this confidence comes so so naturally to most men.
Recently, I was speaking to a friend and she expressed similar doubts about herself. And in that long conversation, we discussed how both us felt a certain way, that we don't deserve to be here in this part of our life. It is unfortunate. I mean is rectifying this kind of dilemma or a state of being easy? I feel like it is a lifetime process.
Thank you for this post ! You have hit a raw nerve with the “this is not supposed to be done” observation. Confident expressive women are very often frowned down on and for that very reason.
Thank you for this post Amit Varma, just what I needed! ❤️
"Women may feel they are not good enough to do something, because deep down inside, they may feel that they're not supposed to do that thing. Underlying the sense that they're imposters could be the unarticulated feeling that they're intruders." I have felt this and yes I have never been able to articulate it in this way.
I am glad to start my new week with this read.
Thank you!
Yaa, I too noticed this imposter syndrome in your podcasts!!!!
Felt as if I am looking at the mirror ......and the stations: I took a pause!
Loved this piece; it resonated so much. Even after all these years I am constantly asking myself if I have done enough, if I have done enough to deserve the appreciation I get, if I'm being unnecessarily flattered when someone says they admire my work, if they are really talking about my being "nice" rather than being "good".
Every man is like Of course I deserve to be here, haha, let me give you some gyan. (This is not strictly true, as a selection effect kicks in: I only invite the kind of man who is likely to be humble.
Oh so this is why you have been avoiding calling me to the show inspite of me sending you so many feelers from strangers and from known people. I am an authority on (insert any subject) and believe me you will love my half baked, ill informed views delivered in a voice that can be described as ‘steel spoon rubbing on a dirty glass’.
Invite me, I Implore you.
I read this. I get it. But do I feel it in my blood and bones? Perhaps, I'll get there eventually...
Have been reading and loving your posts. Thanks so much for them all. I particularly liked the one where you boiled your butt.
btw, there is plenty of research on the benefits of doubting your own competence.
https://ideas.wharton.upenn.edu/research/imposter-syndrome-unexpected-benefits/
Note that the term is becoming viral and much like other terms that romanticizes victimhood, it has some benefits, but a whole lot of disadvantages. The sooner we end-of-life this term, the better.
Amit I can tell you this is rampant amongst men too. I am an executive coach and I work with a lot of fairly senior people in organisations and i see a lot of this there too. My hypothesis is that this comes from the way we’re brought up. We’re always put down as a way of making us better, so when we achieve something we can’t make ourselves believe that we’re actually good enough or deserving enough for it.